Quotables: Adam Sandler Tells You the Most Horrible Poop Story You'll Hear All Day

"It was a horrific event. When you get that as a kid it makes sense, but a man my age, it doesn't make too much sense because I don't even go ... in the woods ... So I thought maybe I was sleep walking or something like that. ... The security camera in my house, I put it on me in my bed to see what I do, and a housekeeper kept coming in and rubbing poison ivy all over my body while I slept and I was like, 'What the hell is going on? Why is this lady doing that to me?' So I wake up in the morning, I said, 'Hey, what's the deal? It's itchy, what you're doing to me is wrong I caught you. Why (did) you do that to me? I'm very nice to you'.She went to the laundry hamper and pulled out my underwear and (pointed to the stains) and she said, 'That's why'."

--Adam Sandler to Jay Leno on what's, hopefully, a story he made up just for fun, because if not? Well. Either kudos to him for being candid enough to not care about what people think of his messy bowel movements -- or man, he should get his gastrointestinal tract checked out like, yesterday. 

Here's a video that you should probably watch, because the above interpretation of his quote does what he actually said no justice whatever -- especially the bit where he uses words like "leaking" and "reeking." Oh man. 

--Sarah Taylor

Beyonce Should Just Sit Back and Shut Up, Maybe

See, pregnancy rumors are fine, right? Aren't they? Pregnancy is supposed to be a joyous thing -- it's not as if people are saying, "Oh man, [fill in the blank] has a raging case of leprosy, and I heard his/her jaw is falling apart piece by piece," because that would be bad. And that wouldn't be nice, either.

... But the thing is, nobody's saying anything negative about Beyonce, and what does everybody get in return for being all excited that Blue Ivy might have an adorable brother or sister sometime this year? Well, everybody gets called "low lifes," that's what they get, and that's not so awesome. 

Here's what Beyonce had to say on Instagram, but don't bother checking for it now -- it's already been deleted: 

"I can't stop the rumors from starting, and I can't really change peoples [sic] minds who believe them, all I can do is sit back and laugh at these low life people who have nothing better to do than talk about me." 

We could probably just chalk it up to pregnancy (?) hormones, but man. You're being a jerk, Bey. "Low lifes"? Wow. Way harsh. 

--Sarah Taylor

The Olsen Twins Are Doing Creepy Twin Things at a Basketball Game

Now, don't be misled -- the Olsen twins are not creepy by nature, nor are twins. It just so happens that both girls -- who essentially look the same -- were at a basketball game doing the very same thing at the very same time, and even if you don't look alike? Well. It's just a creepy thing sometimes, OK?

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are cute, and they're fun, and they definitely make way more than any of us could ever hope to, but man. It is just creepy how in sync these two are sometimes. 

There's actually only one thing that might actually be creepier than this picture, and it would be the fact that Mary-Kate isn't at this game with her creepy boyfriend, Olivier Sarkozy, doing creepy things. Where is that creeper, anyhow? He never misses an opportunity to sloppy-snog at basketball games. 

--Sarah Taylor

Adorable "Teen Mom" Catelynn Lowell Puts Idiot "Teen Mom" Farrah Abraham in Her Place

When we last heard from the dumbest porn star in the world, Farrah Abraham, she was being super catty to Catelynn Lowell over a comment she made about her sex tape on Twitter. Just so we're all on the same page here, let's review what Farrah had to say:

"I know what jealousy looks like. I am trying to be a role model for the other Teen Moms. I try not to knock them down. I try to better them. Catelynn has a weight issue, but I don't say harsh things about her to hurt her self-esteem."

Dang, right? That totally insane comment might have made a weaker lady back off, but not Catelynn. Nope, Catelynn came right back at her on Twitter:

Go ahead call me on my weight issues when u see me next time ill look way hotter than u so get a life! #rolemodelmya--

At least I work to look good I don't waste my money on plastic surgery! All REAL woman here not fake ass plastic! #curvygirlsrock

I say someone does a poll who's a better role model? Huh I think I win lol I'm a real role model how is porn gonna make girls do good?

Well, OK. It's nice that Catelynn stood up for herself, but let's hope that she didn't take Farrah's comments to heart. Isn't it obvious to everyone how kooky Farrah is? It's like getting upset over a bird pooping on you: it's not very nice, but the bird didn't mean anything about it, because its brain isn't big enough to understand all that much.

--Emily Trainham 

Aww Man, Brandi Glanville's a Single Lady Again

So, last week Brandi Glanville tweeted this mad cryptic thing about how she was "done" with "boys," which is a good thing, truth be told, because what business does a 40-year-old woman have dating "boys," anyway? (Hint: about as much business as she does referring to dudes she dates as "boys." Jeez Louise.) 

And then today? She tweeted this: 

Their are paps outside of my gym and im crying because I am having a bad day so look frwd to those hidious pics.

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) May 17, 2013

And explained her bad day by saying this:

Just mother nature and work drama. Nothing serious

— Brandi Glanville (@BrandiGlanville) May 17, 2013

So essentially, Brandi Glanville's still probably single, has her period, and isn't having the best time at the gym. We've all been there, have we not? So who should Brandi pursue now that her latest relationship has possibly gone asunder? Well, here's a few personal favorites: Gerard Butler, because everybody knows how entertaining that would be ... ahem, again -- Ryan Gosling, because that would be even more ridiculous than him dating Eva Mendes, and finally, Eddie Cibrian, because boy, would that really tick LeAnn Rimes off. 

Name your poison! 

--Sarah Taylor 

Quotables: Paris Hilton Cries Over Her Irrelevance and Also "The Bling Ring"

"I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, 'Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.' It's so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them."

--Paris Hilton shares her very emotional tale of watching Emma Watson steal her belongings in a film.

No, but it makes sense that Paris would feel upset from watching the movie: Paris was a victim, after all, and they actually filmed a scene in her real house. But the rest of the interview is all about how Paris designed her house all by herself, and isn't it neat that you can see it on the big screen, and the movie is "amazing" and "so good," and that just makes it seem like Paris is really pumped about being able to give interviews again. And that just seems sort of desperate and awkward.

--Emily Trainham 

James Franco Found His True Calling: Writing Hilariously Delightful Movie Reviews

James Franco is one of those dudes who is pretty OK at a lot of things, but not really outstanding at anything, you know? He's a pretty good actor, he does all right to mediocre art, if you're into that sort of thing, and depending on your viewpoint, he's pretty decent at being an academic. But there's no one thing that he just shines at. That is, until now.

James Franco is amazing at writing really funny reviews for movies that he isn't in! Isn't that wonderful? Let's take "The Great Gatsby," for instance. Wouldn't it be so lame if James starred in that movie? But now what if he just reviewed it? Then that, friends, is pure gold.

Here's all the proof you need:

"Gatsby’s desire is revealed to be that of a 16-year-old boy: not only does he want to win Daisy, he wants to control her affections. It reminds me of my high school relationships, where I tortured girlfriends for getting fingered by other boys when they were freshmen. Just move on, dude."

How magical is it that we just witnessed this man realize his destiny?

--Emily Trainham

Beyonce is Actually (?) Pregnant Again

Bring out your Crayola box, friends, because it looks like Beyonce is going to need some ideas for baby names here real soon. There have been rumors going around for a couple weeks now that Bey is gestating a sibling for little Blue Ivy, and oh gosh, guys, those rumors are probably true.

E! News is coming right out and making this big announcement on behalf of Beyonce after "multiple sources" have confirmed the news. It's not super surprising or anything -- she missed that concert due to dehydration and exhaustion, and what are we, stupid? -- but isn't it nice to know for sure?

And even though we have a good few months, it would probably be really sweet and helpful of us to come up with ideas for the baby's name. Judging by her previous choice, it's relatively safe to assume that she prefers names of colors and names of plants. What about Grey Ragweed for a boy and Beige Wheatgrass for a girl? So chic.

--Emily Trainham

James Franco Surprisingly Went and Made It to Cannes Again

The film in question, an adaption of William Faulkner's "As I Lay Dying," is a movie of the same name, directed by James Franco. Oh, and he stars in it, too, because of course he does. But wait! Don't let that turn you off -- as it appears, the trailer looks pretty interesting, and if we're lucky, the award-nominated film that premieres at Cannes this year might make it to the US for release. 

"As I Lay Dying" is definitely a more somber departure from James' recent projects (like "Oz: The Great and Powerful." And "Spring Breakers"), and revolves around a family in preparation for their mother's burial, all according to her last wishes. 

The moral of the story (well, this story; not Faulkner's story) is that if nothing else, James Franco is one ambitious dude. Even if you think he's pretty obnoxious and can't get the image of his character in "Spring Breakers" out of your head, you have to at least admit that much after watching this trailer. 

--Sarah Taylor